As of noon Eastern Time today, Donald Trump has officially become the 45th President of the United States. I’ve invited the ghost of James Buchanan—widely regarded by historians as the worst-ever U.S. President—to share his thoughts on this important day. He was… strangely excited about it. — Jeff
2016 is almost over, meaning that every web site from CNN to your friend’s Pokémon GO blog is preparing to run the exact same “year in review” article about the year we elected a shrieking Jack-o’-lantern as President and Death decided to take all of our favorite people from the 1980s (Carrie Fisher died as I was writing this, for Christ’s sake!). Stroking people’s nostalgia for things that happened less than twelve months ago is something any chump with a keyboard could manage, so I’ve decided to go a different route by writing my “year in review” article about a year that hasn’t even happened yet.
I know I usually reserve this blog for weird comedy articles about nothing, but today I’d like to talk about my dad, Jerry Silvers.
Jack Chick was the creator of small, comic book-like religious tracts meant to recruit new Christians, but he was so hilariously paranoid of anything not fitting his strict fundamentalist worldview that most “Chick tracts” seemed like they were found scrawled in the notebook of a Jesus-themed serial killer. His stories usually meandered around aimlessly until a character ended up in hell, and the only two kinds of non-Christians he knew were “people who have literally never heard of Jesus” and “dicks.” His tracts targeted groups like Catholics, Muslims, and—on at least one insane occasion—nerds. Chick Publications put out a tract in 1984 called Dark Dungeons about the dangers of games like Dungeons & Dragons. Read on to see why it’s even stupider than you’re imagining.
Advertisements in old-school comic books were a perfect mixture of crazy and irresponsible. For instance, they would routinely try to convince kids to sell salve in exchange for a rifle, and most kids would sign up before even asking what “salve” was. Adults’ reluctance to buy salve from a ten-year-old is the only reason every town in the forties wasn’t overrun by armed child gangs. With that in mind, here are three of the craziest comic book advertisements from that era.
Season 7 of The Walking Dead premieres this Sunday, and while every other web site on the planet speculates about who Negan killed or what other plot developments might occur, I managed to get my hands on an exclusive preview of every episode of the upcoming season! Read it now! Before AMC has me killed!
As I’ve already helpfully pointed out, the toy aisle at a dollar store is a lawless hellscape of trademark infringement and cheap plastic. If your kid is a John Cena fan but you don’t have “licensed WWE product” money to throw around, you can bet you’ll find a “Jon C. Nah Wrestler Toy” for a buck, tops. Does your daughter like animals? There will be ten different sets of mixed animal toys, and they will all smell like burning plastic no matter what temperature it is.
The 2016 U.S. presidential election is the hot topic right now, but aside from when I corrected a report about Donald Trump being Batman or when I invited a wasp-besieged guest to blog about the election, I’ve more or less avoided the topic. That’s because, even by our standards, this has become a nasty and divisive election cycle. In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not at all comfortable with Donald Trump’s campaign, but that’s partly because I’m a cog in the vast liberal Zionist feminist New World Order conspiracy. Still, I think it’s important to see topics from more than one perspective (but no more than two, because that would be confusing and nuanced). In that spirit, here’s my attempt to say three nice things about Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.
Death is depressing enough without General Mills using it to hawk Cheerios and Hamburger Helper. Check out my latest Cracked.com article, 5 Well-Meaning Tributes That Went Shockingly Wrong. If nothing else, it’ll give your ghost some valuable perspective for when your family spells your name wrong in your obit.
I wrote a thing! Professionally! Check out my first Cracked.com article, The 6 Most Shameless Liars in the Video Game Industry, to learn why your favorite hobby is built on a foundation of deceit. Here’s a quick excerpt:
“Unfortunately for EA…”