According to the BBC and the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, three men assaulted and mugged a German medical exchange student in Sydney last month. Not a very surprising story. What is surprising is that the thugs made the fatal mistake of doing this in an alley behind–and I can’t believe I’m even reading these words in a real news article–the Ninja Senshi Ryu school, “a school for ninja warriors.” Feel free to click the provided links to make sure I’m not bullshitting you, I promise not to be offended.
I remember when my high school forced us to sit down with a guidance counselor to determine our “career paths.” You like painting? Go to art school. You like cars? Go to mechanics’ school. But at no point during any discussion did my counselor tell me there was a fucking ninja school. How doesn’t that come up? I guarantee that getting into a good ninja school would’ve been more than enough motivation for me to keep up my GPA.
The BBC article says that one of the students “raised the alarm” when he noticed the mugging, which is probably just their way of saying he alerted the other students, but I’m sticking with my fantasy of an actual “ninja alarm.” How much better would those Broadview Security commercials be if the attactive single white female whose crazed ex-boyfriend just kicked down her front door was protected by a home ninja alarm system?
According to sensei Kaylan Soto, “We started running towards them and they took off. They would have seen five of us in ninja gear…all in black with our belts on, running toward them… I think they’re probably still running if I’m not mistaken.” Actually, police arrested two of the men, and the third is still at large. I hope that iPod you snagged was worth it, kid, because the rest of your life will be spent looking over your shoulder, wondering when a dark-clad figure will emerge from the shadows to take you down with a single swipe of the sword or throw of the shuriken. And that’s assuming you haven’t already had your head ripped off by Sub-Zero.
I’m glad the ninjas in this instance decided to use their unearthly combat skills for good, but what will happen when the secrets of ninjitsu fall into the wrong hands? Or what if Master Soto is secretly building a ninja army out of his clandestine Sydney lair? The world is not prepared for that kind of threat. Congress can dump as many billions of dollars into “defense” each year as it wants, but there is no defense against a ninja. They strike like the wind and are gone just as quickly. They can run across water, climb up sheer walls, and one may be making love to your wife right now even if you’re already making love to her. Sure, we could try to teach our soldiers the way of the ninja, but what good would it really do? Everybody knows that the greatest martial arts masters will only teach you 999 of the 1,000 techniques for killing a man, for one day he himself may need to use the 1,000th technique… on you.