World-Class Rectal Smuggler Makes National News Somehow

As part of my continuing effort to present my readers with news that shapes their world, here’s a story the Associated Press ran about a guy who shoved a lot of stuff up his ass. Seriously.

According to the article, an inmate at the Wenatchee, Washington jail was able to rectally smuggle “a cigarette lighter, rolling papers, a baggie of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a smaller baggie of marijuana, a 1-inch smoking pipe, a bottle of tattoo ink and eight tattoo needles” into the jail. In the process it is presumed he set several world records, including “most things stuffed into an ass” and “world’s least used smoking pipe.” He snuck an entire tattoo parlor and weed dispensary into a prison via his butthole. If he would’ve smuggled that much starter equipment into a bank they would’ve approved him for a small business loan.

Two things have me confused, though. The first is, why did he need eight tattoo needles? I probably would’ve stopped shoving them up there around the fifth at the latest, but I guess that’s what makes him an ass-smuggling all-star and makes me, at best, a promising amateur.

But the more pressing issue is, how the hell did this become news? The Associated Press doesn’t have reporters that specialize in finding ass-related stories (I checked), so I have to assume somebody at the jail heard about all the things this guy crammed up his butt and thought, “the world must know this man’s tale.” And as creepy and insane as that sounds, it also means that somebody at the AP agreed, somebody who went to journalism school and therefore was taught what “journalism” is. The AP has an entire section for “Wacky News,” and you just know this was like covering the fall of the Berlin Wall for those reporters. “Yes! This is the orifice-stuffing story of the year! No way Reuters is scooping us on this one!” Do they give out Pulitzers for this kind of shit?

(As a closing note, I would like to point out that I tastefully declined to include a horrible “Ass-ociated Press” pun in this article.  You’re welcome.)

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