Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream recently released a new flavor called Schweddy Balls based on an Alec Baldwin SNL sketch. While most responses to the name have ranged from apathy to mild amusement, idiots’-rights advocacy group OneMillionMoms responded the only way they know how: freaking right the hell out.
OneMillionMoms describe themselves as “an online project of American Family Association, a… nonprofit, conservative, pro-family organization based in Tupelo, Mississippi.” Reasonable people might recognize that as a euphemism for “paranoid, uptight housewives with nothing better to do than fret about the liberal media forcing our children to gay marry their pets”. About Schweddy Balls, the group’s web site reads:
The vulgar new flavor has turned something as innocent as ice cream into something repulsive. Not exactly what you want a child asking for at the supermarket.
I beg to differ, OneMillionMoms.com. The thought of a child screaming “I WANT SCHWEDDY BALLS!” at his parents in a grocery store might be the funniest thing ever.
The group also protested “Hubby Hubby,” a flavor Ben & Jerry’s named in honor of gay marriage. I think that might actually help the ice cream makers find some common ground with OneMillionMoms as the only two groups in the world who think anybody cares about what we name our desserts. It was like Ben & Jerry’s was trying to say, “We’re going to change people’s perceptions of gay marriage with ice cream!,” and while the rest of us just shook our heads at the ridiculousness of that idea, OMM defiantly replied, “Not if we stop you first!”
I’m not here to defend Ben & Jerry’s. Not at all. In fact, I’d venture to guess that this ice cream isn’t all that grea–…
…holy shit, that looks delicious. I really want those Schweddy Balls in my mouth. Fuck you for making me say that, Ben & Jerry’s.
Point is, OneMillionMoms is insane. On their “Successful Campaigns” page, OMM takes credit for taking shows like Skins and The Book of Daniel off the air, even though those shows were cancelled because they sucked and received shit ratings. This is part of their brilliant tactical strategy of writing a few emails and then taking credit when the inevitable happens, proving that the secret to having a 100% success rate is to only have imaginary fights. This is how my letter writing campaign won me the WWE Championship from John Cena.
They’ve also petitioned to have Chaz Bono removed from Dancing with the Stars because they don’t want to explain transgenderism to their children. I’m guessing this is because they’re shitty parents and don’t like talking to their kids. That’s actually understandable; the child of a OneMillionMoms member has probably been sheltered his entire life, and I wouldn’t want to talk to his boring ass, either.
Maybe the most telling thing about OneMillionMoms’ web site is their FAQ page, where they answer the question, “How can I take action on something that offends me when OneMillionMoms doesn’t address it?” Say what you want about OMM–at least they’re realistic about the intelligence of their membership. They understand that the kind of person who gets offended when somebody wears a bikini in a bubble gum commercial probably doesn’t have the wherewithal to figure out what to do about it.
That’s what you’re up against, Ben and Jerry. You’re up against a group of people who have to be told how to write a fucking letter. I have a feeling you’ll win this battle, but when you discontinue the flavor this December as scheduled, don’t be surprised when OMM gloats about their “victory.”