If there’s one thing everyone can agree on, it’s that everybody sucks at driving except you. You’re awesome, everyone else is a goddamn maniac, especially if they’re from a different state. If there’s something else we can all agree on, it’s that life hacks make every part of your day way more efficient. In an effort to take your already unassailable driving skills to the next level, here’s an article that definitely isn’t shameless clickbait: 8 Unbelievable Driving Hacks (That Obama Doesn’t Want You to Know)!
Now, I’m not a licensed driving instructor or anything, but who has time to worry about things like “qualifications” or “a basic understanding of the topic” when you have page views to get? Don’t worry. I’m sure this will go well.
1. If you’re lost on a road trip, ask a delivery restaurant for directions
I’ve seen this tip on several other web sites, and it makes sense: delivery guys always know their ways around town. Aside from any of those times they called you an hour and a half after you ordered to ask you which house it is and it turns out they’re not even close. Which… come to think of it, that happens a lot. But the ones who do get it right, they’re great to ask for directions, probably because… probably because they use GPS.
Damnit. Nevermind. Just use your phone’s GPS.
2. When stopped at a traffic light, use your time wisely
For example, during your drive to work, you could use that “red light break” to psych yourself up for going back into that tedious hell of an office. C’mon, just take a deep breath. You can do this. It’s a good paycheck. Remember that.
If it’s a particularly long red light, use the additional time to remember all the hopes and dreams you abandoned the moment you turned in that job application all those years ago, damning you to a Sisyphean nightmare from which you’ll never wake. It started as an entry-level job you could do while you pursued your real ambitions, but that was so long ago, wasn’t it? And now you can’t turn back. This is your life. This is what your existence has OH IT’S GREEN NOW GO
3. Clean your garbage disposal with lemon and vinegar
Shit. Hold on, I think I meant this for another article. Uhh… Actually, no, I think this could work. Do some cars have garbage disposals? Like maybe new ones?
4. Some gas stations have free air pumps
I feel like I’m just wasting your time now. This isn’t even a “hack.” I shouldn’t be allowed to write this kind of thing, I’m not even that great of a driver. And yet you’re still reading this. You’ll take literally any advice as long as somebody calls it a “hack,” won’t you? That’s just stupid. Abjectly stupid. Hey, here’s a driving hack: to laugh in the face of your own impending mortality, close your eyes while doing twenty over the speed limit!
5. WHOA LOOK OUT
Fuck! Did you… did you hit that guy? He was crossing the street. Shit. We have to go back. No, fuck you, man, turn around. I really think you hit that guy.
6. Oh Christ, you definitely hit him
Is he alive? He looks really messed up. Jesus, did you think I was serious back there about closing your eyes? Why would you really do that? Oh God, I knew I shouldn’t write driving hacks. We have to call 911.
7. What do you mean, “get our stories straight?”
Do you even hear how you sound? No, no, no, I’m not having this conversation, we are calling 911 right now. I’m getting my phone.
Oh, man. Oh, man, he doesn’t look good.
This was a bad idea.