Did you know there are still people who genuinely believe in astrology? It’s true! And some of those people use the Internet, which is why I’m getting into this sweet, inexplicably lucrative business. Now I’ve never been to astrology college or… constellation boot camp or whatever, but I am officially certified by the International Academy of Zodiac Arts, an institution that actually exists for all I know. Rest assured, what you’re about to read is as reliable as any horoscope you’ll find anywhere else.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll finally live out a lifelong dream this week. You know, the one where you’re suddenly back in fourth grade for some reason and all of your teeth fall out of your mouth.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The stars are suggesting you’ll have a rewarding and eventful week, but my Magic 8-Ball says it’ll mostly just be eating Doritos and watching Netflix. So I don’t know. Maybe ask a fortune cookie?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The astrological forces at work in the universe don’t mind helping you out every now and then, but they really wish you would start trying to figure things out for yourself.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This will be the week you finally achieve riches beyond your wildest imagination. Of course, there are hundreds of millions of Cancers in the world, so this will basically fuck the global economic balance for everyone else. But hey, enjoy your newfound luxury while the rest of us slowly starve! Assholes.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
It’s true that, as a Leo, you are often prone to bouts of blind, fiery passion, but perhaps you didn’t need to mention that when taking the stand in your own defense.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The stars didn’t reveal anything about your life this week, but they did spoil The Walking Dead for me. The stars are dicks sometimes.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
I’m so sorry about what’s going to happen to you in the next few days, but if it’s any consolation, you’ll be posthumously declared the winner of the hot wing-eating contest.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Try as I might to figure out the stars’ message for you this week, all I keep getting are the lyrics to Sugar Ray’s “Fly.” Not sure what it means, but it can’t be good.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
It’s Wild Card Week! Feel free to determine your own destiny for the next seven days.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
This would be a good week to start a new career. Keep in mind, the job market will be crowded with the millions of other Capricorns also taking this advice, so be prepared to settle.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Oh, shit. Hey, Aquarius! So, uhh… this is going to be a good week for, you know… starting new projects, or… or, uhh…
…I may have forgotten to do Aquarius this week.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The alignment of the stars suggests you should stay defensive against those who might try to deceive you for their own profit. For instance, if somebody is being paid a lot of money to tell you that your life is being influenced by some arcane cosmic order that only they and a select few others can interpret, perhaps you should recognize that as exploitive bullshit.