The 2016 U.S. presidential election is the hot topic right now, but aside from when I corrected a report about Donald Trump being Batman or when I invited a wasp-besieged guest to blog about the election, I’ve more or less avoided the topic. That’s because, even by our standards, this has become a nasty and divisive election cycle. In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not at all comfortable with Donald Trump’s campaign, but that’s partly because I’m a cog in the vast liberal Zionist feminist New World Order conspiracy. Still, I think it’s important to see topics from more than one perspective (but no more than two, because that would be confusing and nuanced). In that spirit, here’s my attempt to say three nice things about Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.
1. He understands the importance of walls
Donald Trump’s border wall proposal sounds like an idea he stole from a racist child, but I’ve already bound myself to finding three nice things to say about the man, so here we go: I think we can all agree that walls are pretty awesome in general. Without walls, we wouldn’t have anywhere to hang family photos or electronic singing fish or that huge black and white canvas landscape of Paris you bought at Target. They’re the only thing between your neighbors and you, naked. Walls are the foundation of a good home (aside from, you know, the house’s actual foundation). You know who else likes walls? Donald Trump, and that is technically a nice thing I can say about him. Take it or leave it, because I still have two more to come up with for this list.
2. He’s not actually Hitler
Donald Trump’s presidential campaign has been compared to Adolf Hitler’s rise to power in 1930s Germany, and that’s really inconvenient when you’re trying to find three nice things to say about him. Still, if we want to focus on the positive—and I’m going to have to do that if I’m ever going to finish this list—at least Donald Trump isn’t the real, actual Adolf Hitler. So that’s good. And really, are the Trump/Hitler comparisons really fair? Trump’s speeches may sound a lot like your drunk uncle’s “I’m not racist or sexist, but—” rants, but we’ve compared so many things to Hitler since World War II that it doesn’t even feel like it means anything now.
And let’s be realistic, here—Hitler ’16 would be a far worse presidential campaign than Trump/Pence. At least Mike Pence is an inoffensive running mate whose only job is to look like a stock photo search result for “white.” The VP half of Hitler’s ticket would have to be a total shitshow in comparison. He’d have to find some blowhard who could covertly rally support from white supremacists and who knew how to use social media to make up for the 127-year-old Hitler’s lack of tech savvy. Somebody like—
…Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Donald Trump would be Hitler’s VP candidate.
I’m sorry, everybody. I really thought I could find three solid compliments to give to Donald Trump. What a disaster. But hey, we’re two questionable entries into a three-entry list article, so let’s see if we can at least go out on a high note:
3. He took a Stone Cold Stunner at WrestleMania 23
I know what you’re thinking: “C’mon, Jeff, this one isn’t even close. This whole article has just been weird. I don’t think I like it when you do political stuff.” That’s fair, but just watch this:
If the WWE Network had an economy package that were just this clip over and over, I’d probably subscribe. This is from Trump’s 2007 appearance at WrestleMania 23, back when nobody could guess that the man “Stone Cold” Steve Austin sent awkwardly flopping to the ground would—somehow, inexplicably—be a major, viable candidate for President of the United States.
This clip is perfect. If you’re a Trump supporter, it’s a symbol of what a good sport he is (Austin is still amazed he agreed to take the move). If you’re not a Trump supporter, though, seeing him on the business end of a wrestling attack is twistedly satisfying. It’s messed up, I know, and you don’t have to admit it because I’m admitting it for you, but there’s something about seeing Donald Trump have Austin 3:16 read to him that brightens my day. And in a way, doesn’t that qualify Trump to be President? When you think about it, isn’t it the President’s primary responsibility to fill our hearts with joy?
…It’s not? You say the President’s job is to develop national policy, enforce federal law, lead the armed forces, direct foreign relations, and overall represent the interests of the American people?
In that case, no, don’t vote for Trump. That would be fucking insane.