2016 is almost over, meaning that every web site from CNN to your friend’s Pokémon GO blog is preparing to run the exact same “year in review” article about the year we elected a shrieking Jack-o’-lantern as President and Death decided to take all of our favorite people from the 1980s (Carrie Fisher died as I was writing this, for Christ’s sake!). Stroking people’s nostalgia for things that happened less than twelve months ago is something any chump with a keyboard could manage, so I’ve decided to go a different route by writing my “year in review” article about a year that hasn’t even happened yet.
2017: The Year in Review
2017 in Politics
President Trump’s decision in January to relocate the official presidential residence from the White House to the new Trump Presidential Tower in Atlantic City was extremely controversial. Some criticized the gold-laden skyscraper as being “unfit for a dignified world leader” while others praised its $8.99 all-you-can-eat seafood buffet. On the plus side, Trump’s decision to demolish several neighboring historic landmarks to expand the tower’s parking gave the protesters outside a lot of space to really spread out.
2017 in Sports
The team names of the Chicago Bears, the Detroit Lions, and the Jacksonville Jaguars took on tragic double meanings in February when growing civil disorder in those cities resulted in security breakdowns at their zoos.
2017 in Video Gaming
Nintendo unveiled its new Switch console/handheld hybrid in March, successfully appealing to two important consumer groups: hardcore players who prefer console gaming and are willing to ride out the riots in their homes, and casual, on-the-go players who prefer a mobile experience and are trying to escape cities under attack by pro-Trump militias.
2017 in Television
The Walking Dead‘s ongoing plot about Negan, a brutal dictator who’s also fairly competent, did really well with viewers looking for upbeat escapism. That said, the most-watched program of the year is presumed to be the Emergency Broadcast System’s public announcement of martial law, which has aired uninterrupted on every television station since mid-July.
2017 in Economics
Trump’s economic policies made 2017 a real roller coaster for the markets. For example, the Dow and NASDAQ indices started the year off relatively strong, but by October, the price of a box of ammunition had skyrocketed to two whole cases of non-radiated canned food.
2017 in Film
December proved to be a pivotal month for Hollywood. The much anticipated Star Wars: Episode VIII did exceptionally well in cities controlled by warlords or the resistance movement, while the highest-grossing film in Trump-occupied territories was the 2017 remake of Triumph of the Will.
2017 in Music
Hillary Clinton scored an unlikely hit in the charts with her cover of The Hives’ 2000 single “Hate to Say I Told You So.”