As of noon Eastern Time today, Donald Trump has officially become the 45th President of the United States. I’ve invited the ghost of James Buchanan—widely regarded by historians as the worst-ever U.S. President—to share his thoughts on this important day. He was… strangely excited about it. — Jeff
Hi, I’m James Buchanan, 15th President of the United States. Ever since I left the White House, so-called “historians” have been placing me way at the bottom of their “presidential rankings” lists. Frankly, it’s bullshit—you fail to prevent one Civil War, which turned out fine, by the way, and all of a sudden you’re fighting with Andrew Johnson for last place. So when I heard that you guys were about to inaugurate a massively unpopular President with no prior public service experience, who seemingly has no idea how government actually works, and who lost the popular vote to his opponent by a margin of millions… well, let’s just say I was pretty jazzed about it.
Yep, I think Old Buck’s about to start lookin’ just a liiiitle bit better to historians real soon.
You gotta understand, I’m constantly catching shade from the other dead Presidents for supposedly being the worst ever. Every time a new academic ranking comes out, that fucking pretty boy Kennedy has a trophy made with my face on it that says “Last Place (Again).” And Lincoln and Jackson and everybody else just laugh and laugh, even that jowly son of a bitch Nixon.
All I gotta say is this: laugh it up while you can, boys, ‘cause Jimmy B.’s days at the very bottom of the list are just about over.
Whenever all these political science nerds get together and decide I’m still the worst President ever, they always cite my indifference to the secession of Southern states from the Union as one of many mistakes I made. Well, after listening to a few speeches from this Donald Trump guy you all elected, I think those list-making motherfuckers better get ready to bump my name up one notch. No more last place finishes for this guy.
This is so fucking awesome.
Historians love to trot out that time I called slavery in the territories “a matter of but little practical importance,” but something tells me they’re going to forget all about that little blunder after four years of President Trump’s meandering Twitter rants. Didn’t he already brag about sexually assaulting women? There’s no way historians are going to forgive that, right? That’s definitely more of a “last place President” kind of comment than what I said.
No doubt about it, folks. The next four years are gonna be pretty sweet for ol’ Ten-Cent Jimmy.
Still, I can’t help but be nervous that Trump might not live up to his potential as history’s worst Commander-in-Chief. That’s why I’m officially urging President Trump to follow through on all of his most inane campaign promises. Build that expensive wall on the Mexican border and keep insisting they’ll pay for it! Create a compulsory Muslim registry! Continue to buddy-up with Russia even as they openly disrupt our democratic processes! As long you stay the course and do all the things you promised you’d do, historians will be tripping over themselves moving my name off the bottom of the list.
I’m counting on you, Donald! I know you can do it!
The ghost of James Buchanan is a Presidential apparition who has recently begun writing his next book, Second to Last is the First Winner.