Did you know there are still people who genuinely believe in astrology? It’s true! And some of those people use the Internet, which is why I’m getting into this sweet, inexplicably lucrative business. Now I’ve never been to astrology college or… constellation boot camp or whatever, but I am officially certified by the International Academy of Zodiac Arts, an institution that actually exists for all I know. Rest assured, what you’re about to read is as reliable as any horoscope you’ll find anywhere else.