As I’ve already helpfully pointed out, the toy aisle at a dollar store is a lawless hellscape of trademark infringement and cheap plastic. If your kid is a John Cena fan but you don’t have “licensed WWE product” money to throw around, you can bet you’ll find a “Jon C. Nah Wrestler Toy” for a buck, tops. Does your daughter like animals? There will be ten different sets of mixed animal toys, and they will all smell like burning plastic no matter what temperature it is.
The 2016 U.S. presidential election is the hot topic right now, but aside from when I corrected a report about Donald Trump being Batman or when I invited a wasp-besieged guest to blog about the election, I’ve more or less avoided the topic. That’s because, even by our standards, this has become a nasty and divisive election cycle. In the interest of full disclosure, I’m not at all comfortable with Donald Trump’s campaign, but that’s partly because I’m a cog in the vast liberal Zionist feminist New World Order conspiracy. Still, I think it’s important to see topics from more than one perspective (but no more than two, because that would be confusing and nuanced). In that spirit, here’s my attempt to say three nice things about Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump.
Death is depressing enough without General Mills using it to hawk Cheerios and Hamburger Helper. Check out my latest Cracked.com article, 5 Well-Meaning Tributes That Went Shockingly Wrong. If nothing else, it’ll give your ghost some valuable perspective for when your family spells your name wrong in your obit.
I wrote a thing! Professionally! Check out my first Cracked.com article, 6 Video Games That Came Bundled with Filthy, Filthy Lies, to learn why your favorite hobby is built on a foundation of deceit. Here’s a quick excerpt:
“Unfortunately for EA…”
Dear valued customer:
Greetings! I’m Tom, a customer service associate with your electric company. You recently inquired as to why you were charged a one hundred dollar service fee when our technician came to your home, but performed no repairs or services.
We know that charges on your bill can be difficult to understand sometimes, but thankfully the reason for this fee is simple: we like having dollars, and we wanted one hundred more of them.
I like to think that I’m open to new ideas and opinions, and I want my blog to reflect that. That’s why today, I’m doing something I’ve never done on this web site: a guest post. Today’s guest post is a thought-provoking commentary on the U.S. presidential election and is written by my good friend, a guy trapped in a room with a wasp. Enjoy! — Jeff
If you’ve ever been broke, chances are you know what a dollar store is: it’s a store where everything is one or two dollars and under, but where the Cheerios might still have a Dark Knight Rises tie-in. National chains like Dollar Tree and Deals usually carry well-known products or simple off-brand knock-offs. If you’re lucky, however, you live near a locally-owned dollar store like I do, and you’ll find that without the constraints of a national reputation to uphold, these places can sell some awesomely weird products.
Did you know there are still people who genuinely believe in astrology? It’s true! And some of those people use the Internet, which is why I’m getting into this sweet, inexplicably lucrative business. Now I’ve never been to astrology college or… constellation boot camp or whatever, but I am officially certified by the International Academy of Zodiac Arts, an institution that actually exists for all I know. Rest assured, what you’re about to read is as reliable as any horoscope you’ll find anywhere else.
If there’s one thing everyone can agree on, it’s that everybody sucks at driving except you. You’re awesome, everyone else is a goddamn maniac, especially if they’re from a different state. If there’s something else we can all agree on, it’s that life hacks make every part of your day way more efficient. In an effort to take your already unassailable driving skills to the next level, here’s an article that definitely isn’t shameless clickbait: 8 Unbelievable Driving Hacks (That Obama Doesn’t Want You to Know)!
Now, I’m not a licensed driving instructor or anything, but who has time to worry about things like “qualifications” or “a basic understanding of the topic” when you have page views to get? Don’t worry. I’m sure this will go well.
You might’ve recently heard the charming news story of when Donald Trump, Republican presidential candidate and billionaire, took some kids in a helicopter ride at a recent campaign stop and was asked by one, “Are you Batman?,” to which Donald Trump replied, “I am Batman.”
Of course, in their haste to report this story, most major news sources seem to have gotten the details of the story wrong. Continue reading